Tickle That Faggot!

"Yes! Yes! That noise, that laughter. That is the battlecry of the Holy Spirit. Show no mercy my brothers, my soldiers-in-christ,"

"Sir, can I have a word with you?"

"Of course, my child. Though I only have a few moments before I must make my rounds again,"

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. It's just that I wanted to ask you about the operation here. Our purpose,"

"Glorious, isn't it? A life in service to the Lord. His will be done. Never slept better in all my long life, never felt cleaner,"

"Yes, about that..."

"I wake up every day and thank Him that He has entrusted me with such a duty, and has shown me the ways to bring His glory to earth,"

"By tickling the gays?"

"Invasive tickling! Regimented, prescribed like medicine! Laughter is a gift, soldier. It is a gift from God. What is more joyous, simple, innocent than the laughter of a child? Nothing, it's a rhetorical question. We force that innocence back into them. We subject them to it, force the light upon them, drive the devil out of their loins! The devil hates the sound of laughter, the joy of christ!"

"Yes sir. And that cures them? That sets them right with God, sir?"

"Well, it gives them a chance. That's all we mortals can do. We lock up the gays, strap 'em down tight, then tickle the devil out. After that, it's up to them to change, to see the light of christ, to resist temptations,"

"So some of them revert to their... sin,"

"Yes, well, the flesh is weak and all that. Sometimes though, sometimes we have a great success. A few of our ranks are converted gays. Once sinful, lustful creatures, now number among our most enthusiastic ticklers! A clear sign that we operate under God's rightful blessings,"

"Is it all that bad? I mean, we're supposed to not like the gay... gayness,"

"It's a sin!"

"Right, so shouldn't we do something more drastic? Something more scary?"

"Let me ask you something, soldier. Do you want to be tickled?"

"Not really, sir,"

"Maybe I'll sign you up. I'll clean out a cell for you. I'll find some of the big leather straps,"

"Wow, no thank you, sir,"

"We've got ridged rubber fronds, ostritch feathers. I can get some right now,"

"No, please sir. I really don't want that. Really,"

"See? Tickling is a threat, a deterrant. We are agents of mercy, soldier. Never forget that. This is a place of healing. We are here to save them, to bring the light of our Lord,"

"Yes, I see, sir. Thank you, sir,"

"Of course, always happy to help. Now, if you have no more questions, go tickle that faggot!"

"Yes, sir!"